Tonight, for the first time in almost 10 years, I painted.
I painted without abandon. I painted without thoughts of being wrong. I painted without inner criticism. I painted with more than my brain and my eyes…I painted with my soul.
Over the past month, I have been slowly gathering my art supplies. They were shoved into the basement when we moved in here. They hadn’t been out of their boxes since we moved back from Portland… and in Portland, they hung out in a closet in our apartment, and I don’t remember ever painting in our marriage house or even in my own apartment before that…
Maybe it’s been more than ten years.
But, here they are, in stacked storage bins in my dining room. I spent a month organizing each paint bottle, brush, every pencil and marker… I went to the store and bought paper. Nothing fancy. No, I’m not good enough for the fancy paper anymore…
I started sketching in a notebook – but got frustrated. My brain made my pencil stop. Your eyes are too old. You’ve lost it. You need to retrain yourself – and THATS GOING TO TAKE TOO LONG. You should be doing something you make money with. Stick to programming, sister. Your creative side is gone.
Everytime I would get inspiration, the little goblin on my shoulder would say:
“No, you can’t do it. Don’t even try. Seriously what are you thinking?”
Then I would look up artists on YouTube and watch them do it.
Look at these girls. They never gave up. They will never lose it. They don’t have a choice.
I was afraid of being inspired by these artists.
But tonight, I pushed that goblin off my shoulder and pulled out my paint. I pulled out my brushes, my lucky water can and a photo my cousin by marriage took that inspired me a week ago. I put on my new Amanda Cook album and as I picked up the brush, I prayed. I talked to God. Please don’t let me stop. I am so tired of standing in my own way. Show me I can do it, Lord.
2 and half hours later, I sit amazed. I am humbled. I am writing on a blog that I was also afraid to write on for the past 2 months… I am doing everything I want to be doing and I am not going to stop.
What have you put down that you are afraid to pick back up again?